What To Do When Parenting Hurts
Parenting is one of the most rewarding things we can do in this life. It can also be the most painful thing we will ever do. Sometimes parenting hurts!
No matter where you are in your parenting journey this dichotomy can hit you at any time. When children are young that may be when your 5-year-old steals a candy bar from the store and you have to deal with teaching right and wrong. As children grow the issues will become bigger and more life-impacting. The teen years can be especially challenging.
I have cried many tears during my children’s teen years. I struggled with feeling like a failure as a mom. If I had just mothered better my child wouldn’t have made that choice. Maybe if I had taught them better they wouldn’t have fallen into that temptation. Maybe… maybe… maybe… I was eaten alive with the maybe’s and what if’s.
The truth is that we can do our best as a parent but our children are still unique individuals that make choices. It is important to remember that we are responsible to raise them up the best we can but we are not responsible for their personal choices as a person. We can help mold and shape them and help them see the reason to make good choices but we cannot make all of the choices for them.
We all start out as babies who need a parent to make all of the decisions for us. The parent must feed, clothe and keep safe this helpless baby. As the baby grows into a child and then into an adult, the level of control must shift gradually from the parent to the child. This gradual transition can be difficult for everyone! But as the shift happens our children will make choices that hurt us. We will cry over the choices they make. It is part of them growing up and us letting go.
What to do when parenting hurts
When we are faced with difficult and painful situations as a parent there are times when we must take swift action but it is important to first seek the counsel of the King of kings.
The following are some practical steps that I have used in my parenting journey.
- Pause
When things happen it can be instinct to react out of our emotions. It is important to allow those initial emotions to calm down. This may stop us from saying or doing things we may regret later.
I always like to remember to count to 10 before responding. The bigger the issue the higher the number may need to be. Perhaps 100 is the appropriate number in certain situations!
I like to remember Proverbs 15:1. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
When we react in the moment without taking a moment to formulate what the response should be we will tend to respond in a manner that causes more division and strife.
- Prayer
Prayer is one of our greatest weapons. It is going to the source of everything we need. The Bible is full of verses talking about God hearing the cries of His people. When we pray and seek the Lord for help He hears us.
It is important to find a scripture that speaks to you about this and memorize it. When you pray, declare that verse in your prayer. Then talk to the Lord about the problem or issue you are facing. Ask Him for wisdom about how to respond. Sometimes the answer is not what you may want. But it is important to do what He tells you. One of my favorites is Psalm 34:4.
I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all of my fears.
God hears you when you pray so take your struggles to the Lord.
- Action
This is the part that can be the toughest. To walk out the situation with trust that God is moving on your behalf even when you cannot see what He is doing. Sometimes this is a total act of faith. This is even truer when what God is saying is contrary to what the flesh wants to do.
We often look at situations with our fleshly eyes and analyze what needs to be done. Always remember that God doesn’t always work in ways that make sense to worldly wisdom and understanding.
I am reminded of this when I think back over my life. When my husband came in one morning and said, “God told me we need to move to Coeur d’Alene, Idaho.” We were living in Alaska at the time. After some time in prayer, we decided to do it. We sold most of our belongings and loaded up our 4 kids into our suburban and drove to Idaho. We pulled up into town with no place to live, no jobs, and we didn‘t know anyone. People thought we were crazy. Many people told us so! It made no sense in the flesh. But looking back I know that was where God wanted us.
So after you seek the Lord and He tells you how to handle a situation then take action, even if the action makes no sense to those around you.
Sometimes the action is actually inaction. Sometimes God says, “Do nothing. Be silent and I will fight for you.”
A great example of this is found in 2 Kings. Elisha and his servant are in the city of Dotham. When the servant gets up in the morning he looks out and sees the city surrounded with soldiers. He runs to Elisha and this is his response.
So he answered, “Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” Then Elisha prayed and said, “O Lord, I pray, open his eyes that he may see.” And the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he saw; and behold the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha. 2 Kings 6:16, 17
The story goes on to tell how God miraculously saved them. God did it without any blood being shed. God fought that battle for them but they had to go against the natural response in that situation.
We need to do the same. Trust the Lord to deliver us in every situation. Trust what He says in the Bible about our families and take the action He tells us to take even if it goes against our natural reaction.
- Be at peace
One of my favorite stories about Jesus is found in Mark 4:35-41. In this story, Jesus and the disciples got into a boat and started across the sea. Jesus curled up and went to sleep. At some point, a storm overwhelmed them. The disciples were so scared they thought they were all going to die. When they woke up Jesus His response was amazing. After He spoke to the sea and commanded it to be still the water was calm. Then he turned to the disciples and said, “Why are you so timid? How is it that you have no faith?”
Jesus was in the boat. He wouldn’t let it sink! Yet the disciples were so focused on the circumstances instead of who was with them.
It is through this story that we can learn that no matter what storms come Jesus is in the boat and we do not have anything to fear. We can have peace within the storm knowing that Jesus is faithful.
As a mother, I have faced many storms in the lives of my children. I have had to find God’s peace within those storms. You can too.
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